Dear LIT
July 12, 2018
Dear LIT,
I have a niece that is suffering and hurting from relationship issues. She is currently with a man that does not appreciate her or act in a way that shows love and compassion. They are constantly at odds and unfortunately the relationship has resulted in physical and mental abuse (both are guilty of this). As a family, we have had an intervention with her and her significant other. This led to him moving out, however the family knows that this will result in two things, she will either take him back or she will move on to another dysfunctional relationship. This is becoming a strain on the entire family because we want to see her do well and flourish in life. I believe that she wants a healthy relationship but somehow she always pick "the wrong one". What can we do as a family to help and support her?
- Worried Aunt
Dear Worried Aunt,
I commend you and your family for your attempt to show your love and support for your niece and address the concerns and fears of the family. It appears from your inquiry that the physical and mental abuse that occurred during that relationship was not the first but perhaps a trend in her previous relationships. Some of the things that come to mind are: the type of relationships that she might have witnessed as a child, feelings of worthiness, if there are any children involved and overall confidence. You and your family are right about behavior often repeating themselves because sometimes people gravitate to what they know and to what is familiar although it can be harmful. I strongly believe that cycles can be broken and that your past does NOT determine your future. It can be very helpful for her to address her emotions that result in certain behaviors from a neutral party. I believe that it is possible for your niece to have an increase in insight and develop skills that could help her to develop non-abusive relationships and make choices and take actions with very little urging from family. In order to choose people who can show love and compassion you have to first have love for yourself and learn to show love and compassion for others. Consider referring your niece to a counselor to address her history of relationships, abuse acts (received and given) and due the need to keep her and others safe. Ex: "I love you and I want the best for you I have found some counselors that you could talk to about what has been going on."
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 11, 2018
Dear LIT,
I preach to a lot of homeless people with mental health. At times they talk to themselves or blurt out weird things. What kind of mental health issue is that? And how can I do a better job approaching them?
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your work with the homeless. Individuals who are homeless sometimes have diagnosable mental illnesses that are untreated or have received inconsistent treatment. The individuals you are referring to may be hearing voices and they are responding to them. It's impossible to say for sure without a thorough assessment. I can say that individuals who have experienced a break in reality whether they are homeless or not is best treated by a referral to a mental health provider that could recommend counseling, psychiatric treatment, case management, drug/alcohol rehabilitation services or a combination of any of them. I would start with seeking assistance from your local Community Service Board (CSB), if you are in the Atlanta, GA area you would call (404) 508-7700 for the DeKalb County CSB or Fulton County CSB (404) 762-4042. When working in the community, I would always ask for permission before approaching them. If you were to offer resources, they initially may need assistance in following through with appointments due to the nature of losing track of time and days when living on the streets. Same day appointments may actually work best at increasing the likelihood of consistent treatment. Good luck and keep preaching, you are being heard.
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 9, 2018
Dear LIT,
I am a single woman in my mid-30s and I was previously unemployed for 2 years due to health concerns. During this time, I completely wiped out my 401k and savings. My health is improving, and I am now employed making good money. The issue is my mother, whom cries and makes me feel guilty into giving her money. She has always made me feel responsible to take care of her since I became of age to work. I cannot afford to help her out financially right now because I'm starting all over. Every time I try to have this conversation with her she cries and gets really upset about the situation.As a result, I end up feeling sad, depressed and guilty. This is really hard on me because I am bi-polar and already suffers from episodes of depression. Please help...
- Daughter of a Gold-Digger
Dear Daughter of a Gold-Digger,
I am very glad to hear that after being unemployed for 2 years that you are now employed and making good money. It is inspiring to know that after zeroing your 401k and improving your health that you are back on your feet with a bright future ahead. It can be sometimes very difficult to say "no" to the people in your life who you love, especially parents, without experiencing some guilt, frustration or sadness. As an individual diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder you already experience bouts of depression and additional external factors can exacerbate those symptoms. I commend you for the previous conversations that you have had with your mother and being upfront with her about your finances.
Things that you may want to consider is developing an actual budget that shows exactly how much money you bring in to the penny and subtracting each and every monthly expense (ex: rent, clothes, food, utilities and etc.) and show your mother what is left at the end of the month and pose the question of where the money is expected to come from after you pay your bills. Express to you mother that you love her and that maybe in the future that you can help her more financially but that this time you do not have the money. Gather a list of resources that would help her to reduce her expenses such as: programs that assist in utilities and food banks and maybe you can offer with transportation if it is needed. Bring these items in hand so that you will be able to GIVE information versus money. Express that you understand that living on disability income is very limiting but that you also need her to understand that after 2 years of being laid off you have to be able to stabilize yourself before you can help others.
I would consider sharing how exactly you want to be treated and supported as her daughter as you get things together in your life: such as asking you about your health, your new position etc. Consider having that discussion face-to-face, keep it brief and walk away knowing that you are helping, you have offered resources and you know that you will always be there for when needed. I know that this sounds hard and you may have to take some time to cry and release how you feel but I believe that you teach others how you want to be treated. When you set standards and boundaries for yourself and stick with them then others will comply. You can begin to develop a newly defined relationship with your mother with practice and steadfastness.
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 6, 2018
Dear LIT,
I have built a wall around my heart from past hurt and disappointments. I am older now and ready for companionship what should I do?
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like you have given yourself time to heal from hurts of the past and now ready to take a step toward finding someone you can connect. Past hurts sometimes bring up feelings of distrust, anger and we can react with feelings of protectiveness and emotional isolation from others. It is important in this next stage to remember the warning signs of the past and react accordingly without the fear of the past guiding your steps. Consider first allowing yourself to develop friendships where you can begin practicing sharing who you are with others. Focus only on the current and the future in your new relationships and let the natural happen. Remember, your future companion is that that person(s) from the past but they have their own way they can contribute to joy in your life.
"You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past."
― Joel Osteen
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 6, 2018
Dear LIT,
When you are always the one in charge how do you handle things you cannot control?
Dear Anonymous,
As we age we have come to learn what works and what makes us get from one day to another smoothly. Over time we come to develop habits and stick to routines with sometimes very little divergence such as taking the exact route to work and cleaning the house in a certain order year after year. We stick to those routines because they work and really why fix what isn't broken right? So, when someone comes into our lives at work, church or the community event who does it there way we naturally push back because we are not sure there way will work but we are SURE that our way will because it has so many times before. There is comfort in the known and confidence in ourselves that we can get the job done. Allowing others to take charge and do things their tried and true way can work, remember they too have habits and routines. What sometimes accompanies not being in charge after always being in charge is sometimes anxiety, sometimes a sense of not being needed and a lack of understanding yourself in a role as the assistant or helper. We are sometimes assigned labels by others and sometimes we give them to ourselves, but we not just one thing we are a myriad of things and labels all with different intensities. So, tell yourself "hey I can have a break and catch up on that good novel while someone else takes the reigns.
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 6, 2018
Dear LIT,
My intimate relationship history is filled with infidelity, half-truths and incompleteness. I would love to be in a healthy relationship that eventually leads to marriage. How can I achieve this goal, given my history within relationships?
Dear Anonymous,
I want to first commend you in your search and goal of working toward a relationship that is faithful and honest and one that where you both can feel complete. I would want you to look back to when these behaviors first began and whether you have witnessed relationships in your past that are like the intimate relationship that you now have. Sometimes, without knowing we can practice what we have witnessed in our past and we may sometimes gravitate to what is familiar although it is not what we yearn for. In your past relationships how did they end what would make this relationship different from those of the past?
Next, I want you to think about the person that you want to be and ways that you can be true to yourself and function as an authentic person. Completeness comes from the inside and you must feel complete as an individual versus finding completeness with others. What would happen if you were honest with yourself about your fears and what would happen if those fears were known to others or if those fears were to come true? Would you be afraid of being judged you or would operating in your truth reduce your fears and help you be a more authentic person and allow you to begin to build the type of relationship that your heart desires? I believe that we get the most out of our relationships when allow our true selves to speak and act.
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC
July 5, 2018
Dear LIT,
So, I have been dealing with this dilemma from some of my family members and I am basically starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. These past few weeks I received some phone calls about gossip and family drama that I really don't want to hear about. I honestly prefer that they not pull me into their drama because it feels like I am being put in the middle. I want to tell them to leave me alone but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because at the end of the day, I do still love them and don't want them to be mad at me.......This is starting to stress me out and now I find myself avoiding calls or pretending like I'm busy with other things just so I can get off the phone. I don't know what to do.....Any advice?
- Family Drama
Dear Family Drama,
I'm glad you have a family that appears to stay in touch but unfortunately it appears that many of those conversations are fraught with gossipy topics that do not appear to elevate, assist or support others. It can also be difficult to tell your mother, sister, uncle etc. that you would prefer to discuss other topics or talk about ways to help others instead of reveling in others misfortune out of fear that you may be treated unfairly or that the lines of communication may be cut. I believe that you can continue to keep your relationship with your family and mold the conversation to topics more uplifting by learning to slowly adjust the focus on the conversation. For instance, instead of silently listening begin to voice how unfortunate it is that they are having trouble and wonder if there is anything you can do to help. The listener may attempt to redirect the subject to something more negative, but you again can voice your displeasure in their pain. By redirecting the energy behind topics can teach callers how and in what manner to discuss topics with you. You can decide how you want to interact with people in the word and your family. You must first make clear decisions about the energy you want to send into the world and what type of energy you want in your life once that is done and you begin voicing it, others will comply.
"If I were to remain silent, I'd be guilty of complicity."
― Albert Einstein
Lakeesha S. Love, MS, LPC